A Walk Through The Park and Those Pakistani Friends!

In the UK, I was at Luton; well it was a workman's place; beautiful in parts and sometimes not. The most depressing part was the English weather. Everything was damp, moss on trees, unwelcoming biting cold breeze and unstopping downpour. It added to how much more lonely I felt.

Every evening I walked from university to my house, through a park.. nobody walked through it at that hour, the houses at the other end of the park were abandoned and usually angry looking boys and girls hung out there and stared as I passed by. I never made eye contact with them, I acknowledged them with a grim smile and a nod, looking straight ahead. 

I chose to live alone in a very non-Indian neighborhood so I could truly mingle with the locals and not confine myself to the Indian student community. The first couple of months felt very lonely... I missed home.. I missed someone.. whom? I just missed...

and so I wrote:

Walking through this cold lonely night

          I hear your voice call me out

I turn around to see you

          But you are not in sight

I felt you disappear into the silence of the night

Now, when I walk alone

I never look back!!

And when I hear your voice

Whisper to me…

…I know you are right with me... within me

Walk with me my dear…

          …with me forever…

And then a few week later I found a job at a local studio selling family portrait packages, I loved what I did there; it was tough.. nobody wanted to buy those in the era when people started buying digital cameras. I learnt by the end of my first day at work, not many men took that job up, in fact on my floor I was the only man (not intentional, I wanted a job, this is the one I got). They took care of me really well, I was given most healthy leads and the longest rope to come up the learning curve. 

That is when I learnt Pakistanis were great people just as nice as us Indians! Everyone in that room was a Pakistani or British Pakistani and they went out of their way to make me feel included. The day I made my first sale, everyone cheered and I got a hamper of chocolates. In fact, when I was closing my first sale everyone in the room just stopped and watched and there was this big hurrah moment, pats on the back, smiles and hi-fives.  I looked forward to that four hours at work every evening after University.

Life was good once again.. I was busy as a bee! 

Lines to an Indian Air!

And while I was at the airport waiting to board my flight that January day of 2004, each step I took felt so difficult, I could hardly carry my bag, I experienced what it means to have a heavy heart that early January morning.

I was anxious, I wanted to say something, I did not know what and to whom... and thus I wrote:

The time is running short

          My troubled heart beating fast

Come listen to my heart.

          Well! How do I start…?

You stole my heart with your first glance

          …Now I don’t know if I have another chance

Why my heart loses words when it sees you…?

          …Seems to forget all the things it wants to tell you.

In my dreams I see you hand in hand

          When in front of you, seem to be cradled

In your angel like charms

Lose of words and thoughts…

That flight to London seemed like the longest and most difficult one that I ever took... 

While I grew up I was fascinated by literature. Now When I think about it, as a third plane child as Dr Montessori puts it, I was pulled to the art of expression in words. I loved reading poems by Lord Byron, P B Shelley, Robert Frost, John Keats, William Whitman, H W Longfellow, Nissim Ezekiel and W B Yeats. 

That Night, That Dinner and Those Roses!

After several months of knowing her, I felt it was time to say it and move forward from being just that friend. I was also getting bothered, its a competitive world out there - There was this other guy whom she called 'Shah Jahan' who would want to look important around her :), and that fellow who was the son of this major hospital chain in India. Seriously, girls have  a lot of fun in life I say! 

And there are the friends of the girl around who are having the most fun with all this, you got to be nice to them, they are the influencers of decisions. They were angels in my case.

Then one day, I had to attend a dinner at her home! Till then I only ate her food at the office from the box that she packed, now it was was to be at home. I had a great time. I went to dinner with this big bouquet of roses, sprayed with Armani,  but left it behind in the car :). 

Had dinner, said the good bye, sat in the car and called her back. She came down.. it must have been around 11:00 PM or so, the moon looked brighter or was it she I did not know. I walked across the street with the roses in my hand and said those words..smiled... and left!

This is what I wrote when I got back home:

In thoughts of you my heart breathes

          Waiting for a sign from you

Struggling in your thoughts my heart smiles

          Making pictures of you.

The times I spent with you were so few

          But each time I see you, my heart feels anew

Your presence pleasant as the morning dew

          My Love, I wish my heart you knew

Know me my Love …

          And know my Love…

Her response the next day was, 'wasn't that a bit too early, I knew it would come but not so fast'... I drove back home that evening and somehow the radio jockey seems to know how I felt.. the track went .. 'some broken hearts never mend, some mavericks never end! Some tears will never dry, my love for you will never die!' 

.. a few months from then I got the option to go to the UK, to study.. I took it!

She Smiled In Beauty!

Some of them are surely a bit funny as I read them now. Here is one such, but at that time it felt great. Talk about love being blind.. I say sometimes its silly too.

This I wrote for that girl who swayed me away from pretty - she is still a great friend. We got along really well, we had that chemistry as they say. Everyone around thought that we had something going on... we were great friends.

I remember one day we went to a restaurant for lunch during our break, as we came out it was drizzling. We could not be late to work, so, she held her dupatta over my head and we both were under it walking to the office, it was all misty, cold and gentle breeze, so the dupatta was fluttering in the breeze. We were sure none of our team members would spot us. As we reached the office there were 20 of our team members watching us with a big smile. We just walked in as if they were invisible. 

Unlike with Pretty, she always knew I how I felt about her.. I knew she did too... but life happens.

In most cases every time I wrote a poem I shared it with her.. saying it was for her.. :) She always seemed to have liked all that I wrote.

When I have to wish you good night,

I feel my heart grow light.

I wonder why has this day to end

          And you I will have to send.

When I sit alone and think

          In smiles of your thoughts my heart sinks..

And I continue to smile and now I know…

          Each day I wish you good night

It’s the end of another day when we will

          Have to stay apart

And one day closer to the moment

          When we would be together ever after.

The other day, my son was flipping through my wedding album and he pointed to her in one of the pictures and asked my wife.. 'amma.. who is this aunty'. She told him, 'Your dad's girl friend!'. My wife was my emotional anchor in those days when I was heart broken... huh! :)

John Mayer, Pretty and me!

Each of my poems has a story behind them. I will try to be as truthful here as possible about each of them.

Those were the initial days of my job at a firm in Chennai, this was sometime on 2003. There was this girl who sat next to me during my training, we spent 4 weeks together in that room getting trained on SAP. There were 25 others in that class, but then to her I lost my heart.. best training ever - I was at my attentive best. 

One day I asked her what music she liked and she said, 'John Mayer'. I never heard of him until then, I smiled like I knew. The next day I went and bought 3 of John Mayer CDs (the store had only 3) and listened to ONLY those for the next several days. :) I never liked any of them. But I learnt several of his songs by heart .. mostly that one .. 'your body is a wonderland'.

This is a what I wrote the 3rd day after I returned home:

I have been searching the world over

Or was I not… I have never felt this way…

I have been looking for you…

          Or was I not… I have never felt this way…

Until I saw you… But have we met…

          May be not yet…

Now That I know you … My Love

          .. Know me and my heart

And don’t let it fall apart

I was so in love.. I was inspired to write so many more, until one day I fell in love again. This time again it was just as truly, deeply, madly... as ever.